Humor forum

[g]

please we need some break

Total time logged in: 19 hours and 48 minutes. with no fun

can we have a break with some funny jokes?

[sarcle]

Originally Posted by g

can we have a break with some funny jokes?

Hm... how about a "yo mama" joke.


Yo mama's teeth are so yellow. When she talks, she spits butter. :o

[g]

Originally Posted by sarcle

Hm... how about a "yo mama" joke.


Yo mama's teeth are so yellow.  When she talks, she spits butter.  :o

;D

[bwhhisc]

THE BIKER-
A biker stops by the Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, and since he didn't live far he decided to walk home. On the way he stopped at the hardware store, and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer, and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.

However, he now had a problem: How to carry his entire purchases home. So the store owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said. And out the door he went.

But in the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady, who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me against the wall, take off my clothes, and ravish me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

Responded the old lady, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

[g]

nice thanks

although it took me sometime to translate some terms

[IDNer]

  < ~ Nice !

[g]

Thanks Idner

looking to see yours soon.

[bwhhisc]

The Priest's Retirement Dinner

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish.  A leading local politician and member of the congregation was
chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while
they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer.  He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.  I was appalled.  But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and! loving people.".

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived... full of apologies at being late.  He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.  "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician.  "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral of the Story: DON'T EVER BE LATE

[Giant]

hey bwhhisc, this is a very good one.

[bwhhisc]

FOR THE MANY MINDS OF IDNers...this was passed on to us via the net.

Subject: Is Hell Exothermic or Endothermic?

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

BONUS QUESTION: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

ONE STUDENT HOWEVER, WROTE THE FOLLOWING:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[donwebcorleone]

The other day, someone sent this stuff:

Guide to Zen

• Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either, just fuck off and leave me alone.

• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

• The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

• Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

• Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

• Remember, no one is listening until you fart.

• Never forget that you are unique, like everyone else.

• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

• If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

• Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

• If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

• Have you ever lent someone $20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

• Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreens.

• Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

• Good judgment comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgment.

• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

• A closed mouth gathers no feet.

• There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

• Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

• Never miss a good chance to shut up.

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

• When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse

• The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

[thegenius1]

Originally Posted by IDNer

  < ~ Nice !

Monica, No on the Dress !!

[thegenius1]

Yo mama is so Fat when we are done having sex she Smokes Turkeys

Yo Mama is so Dumb, she filled out a Job application and it said Sign here, she put Gemini,

Yo Mama so Stupid they told her it was Chilly outside, She brought out a Bowl

[bwhhisc]

Add this to your collection:
Man who makes love to exhaust pipe of running car have Hot Rod!